Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Can This Thing Do Video?

Monday, January 30, 2012

...take a look at THIS!!! (Part 2)

detroit-tiger-cap1


There’s this show on the internet called “Portlandia.” It is a comedy based on the stereotypes in the city of Portland, OR (for all my midwest friends, the correct way to pronounce Oregon is somewhere in between “OR-ragun” and “Orgun," and NOT “ORE-ra-GON”). Candace and I have watched a couple episodes and have just died laughing. The humor of the show stands alone on it own, but what really caps it for us is that they just nail the idiosyncrasies of not just the people of Portland, but of the Pacific Northwest in general.

Seattle and Portland have an interesting relationship. Portland is like the city that time forgot, and Seattle is like the city that thinks it is ahead of the curve, but is actually 10-years behind... Seattle is a big small town, and Portland is its weird cousin from the South. But that is a different story...

Where was I? Ah, yes....

At last, Candace and I could hear each other talk! It was wonderful! We sipped our drinks and crunched our chips and salsa and enjoyed each other’s company. We discussed her night at work, my day at the office, our kids, our summer plans, Aidan going off to college... It was refreshing!

We also spent time discussing what we had just witnessed, and as we did so, our feelings went from irritation to compassion, mostly for Wonder Twin #2 who appeared to be thinking she had it all going on with Wonder Twin #1, but he was, in fact, a loser who was ready to go behind her back with her best friend (Third Wheel) the moment an opportunity arose (or when she was in the bathroom, as the case presented itself to be). We had compassion for Third Wheel, who seemed desperate the whole night to have someone... ANYone... pay attention to her. The need to be loved and appreciated runs in us all deeply, and often we grab the counterfeit to fill the spot that only the genuine can fill. We had a harder time having compassion for Wonder Twin #1, but we knew that he was just as broken and in need of repair as the rest of us.

Our conversation was cut short when the hostess brought another couple to the table next to us (I told you this was anything but over!). They looked like a combination of Portland and two of the Muppets characters: She was shaped like Professor Honeydew, with bleached-white hair and jet black roots, piercings in her lips, nose, ears and eyebrows, wearing all black and Doc Martin boots. She was about 5’6”, and could easily take me in a sumo-esque fashion. Beaker, on the other hand was about 5’10”, and most likely tipped the scales at no more than 140-pounds, which included the weight of the large leather wallet and dog collar chain that held it fast to his belt. In typical Portland style, he wore a skin tight, short sleeved plaid shirt with skinny jeans. The mutton-chop sideburns were accented by gauge-pierced ears, horn-rimmed glasses, and in lieu of the traditional trucker hat, our new neighbor wore a Detroit Tigers ball cap. Hold on kids... this one is going to be a wild ride.

Silence. Not a word. They both just sat there, staring blankly at each other, expressionless... as though their favorite free trade coffee company had gone corporate on the S&P 500. It was spooky. The kind of spooky that only Rod Serling could create. The highlight of our night’s people watching seemed to be over, because Honeydew and Beaker weren’t providing any more entertainment eating chips and salsa than a pair of mice nibbling cheese. Was it a first date? Perhaps a blind date? There appeared to be intimacy issues, to say the least. Candace and I finished our food and drink and conversation without any further interruption

As our waitress collected our bill and payment, I turned to our neighbors and told them how much we appreciated sharing space with them, and how pleasant they were as our dining companions. “Plus,” I said, referring to Beaker’s ball cap, “you guys are Tigers fans.” Historically speaking, the only greater sleeping tiger ever awakened was done so on an Infamous Day back in 1941. Nuclear detonators hold back less energy than what was now unleashed.

Honeydew exploded with joyful exuberance, nearly knocking the chips and salsa into the next dining room. “YOU GUYS ARE TIGERS FANS?!?!?! NOOOO WAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!”

My single friendly comment sparked a firestorm of conversation and knuckle-bumping around the table that is most often reserved for when your team wins the pennant, or in the Pacific Northwest, you successfully navigate your smart car out of a 2-inch snow drift. Candace once again was staring wide-eyed at the occupants of the table immediately to her left, but this time, the corners of her mouth were turned upwards in an astonished smile as her jaw hung wide and agape. Getting caught up in this new level of excitement, I announced that I was born in Detroit, which was received with even greater enthusiasm and a double round of knuckle-bumping. The volume continued to escalate as Honeydew excitedly shared her love for baseball, the Tigers, the city of Detroit, and eventually, her astonishment for how we knew they were Tigers fans. She was overwhelmed with the mystical ability I must have conjured from within my deep and powerful spirit to sense the presence of other like-minded individuals. “TELL ME HOW YOU KNEW WE WERE TIGERS FANS TOO?!?!” she demanded.

I quickly surmised that a sarcastic remark or a deceptive jest would have the power to hurt these two. I saw them, then, through different eyes... They were gregarious to be loved and accepted, and in community with someone other than themselves, and were seeking fellowship and unity and koinonia. To mess with them, even for an innocent laugh, might place a stumbling block before them. Who was I to shut them down and invite a tit-for-tat retaliation that might bring further woes to our already sordid evening? “Uh, actually, I just guessed because of your hat,” I said, pointing now to the big embroidered D on Beaker’s forehead. “That’s how I knew you were Tigers fans.”

Nothing in my 44 years of walking this earth could have prepared me for what came next. Nothing.

A light of recognition and understanding lit within Honeydew’s eyes as she spoke.
“IF YOU THINK THAT’S SOMETHING...”
And with all the power of David Copperfield, she drew our eyes like a great conjurer to follow her hands, which moved as lightning to raise her shirt and expose her more than ample bosom.
“...TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!!!”

Plastered to the side of her right breast, in 360-point, Detroit Tigers Old English font was the famous “Big D.” Time stood still. The restaurant went silent. Eyes as big as pie-plates, Candace and I stared in shock at the wares displayed before us, unable to speak, move, or react. I finally broke free of the spell and offered up a weak “woo hoo!!! detroit!!!” before the last round of knuckle-bumping commenced. Candace and I offered a couple more for good measure, and to keep Honeydew’s hands busy from committing any other surprise pronouncements.

During the next few minutes, we were submerged in a stream of words as the story of her inking unfolded. Frankly, I do not remember a word of it. I was in a state of semi-shock. Candace and I gently extricated ourselves from the conversation before we were invited into a deeper level of intimacy, and walked briskly to the front door. As soon as we crossed the threshold and were on the sidewalk, we both exploded with laughter. I have not laughed that hard in a very long time. We laughed all the way to the car, and during the 15-minute car ride home as well. We laughed for probably an additional 30 minutes.

Seattle is home to humanity, in all its beauty and all of its brokeness. And even though we are 2346 miles away from Comerica Park, we are never really that far away from The Big D.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

...take a look at THIS!!!

...Take a Look at THIS!!!


There’s this show on the internet called “Portlandia.” It is a comedy based on the stereotypes in the city of Portland, OR (for all my midwest friends, the correct way to pronounce Oregon is somewhere in between “OR-ragun” and “Orgun," and NOT “ORE-ra-GON”). Candace and I have watched a couple episodes and have just died laughing. The humor of the show stands alone on it own, but what really caps it for us is that they just
nail the idiosyncrasies of not just the people of Portland, but of the Pacific Northwest in general.

Seattle and Portland have an interesting relationship. Portland is like the city that time forgot, and Seattle is like the city that thinks it is ahead of the curve, but is actually 10-years behind... Seattle is a big small town, and Portland is its weird cousin from the South. But that is a different story...

Where was I? Ah, yes....

At last, Candace and I could hear each other talk! It was wonderful! We sipped our drinks and crunched our chips and salsa and enjoyed each other’s company. We discussed her night at work, my day at the office, our kids, our summer plans, Aidan going off to college... It was refreshing!

We also spent time discussing what we had just witnessed, and as we did so, our feelings went from irritation to compassion, mostly for Wonder Twin #2 who appeared to be thinking she had it all going on with Wonder Twin #1, but he was, in fact, a loser who was ready to go behind her back with her best friend (Third Wheel) the moment an opportunity arose (or when she was in the bathroom, as the case presented itself to be). We had compassion for Third Wheel, who seemed desperate the whole night to have someone...
ANYone... pay attention to her. The need to be loved and appreciated runs in us all deeply, and often we grab the counterfeit to fill the spot that only the genuine can fill. We had a harder time having compassion for Wonder Twin #1, but we knew that he was just as broken and in need of repair as the rest of us.

Our conversation was cut short when the hostess brought another couple to the table next to us (I told you this was anything but over!). They looked like a combination of Portland and two of the Muppets characters: She was shaped like Professor Honeydew, with bleached-white hair and jet black roots, piercings in her lips, nose, ears and eyebrows, wearing all black and Doc Martin boots. She was about 5’6”, and could easily take me in a sumo-esque fashion. Beaker, on the other hand was about 5’10”, and most likely tipped the scales at no more than 140-pounds, which included the weight of the large leather wallet and dog collar chain that held it fast to his belt. In typical Portland style, he wore a skin tight, short sleeved plaid shirt with skinny jeans. The mutton-chop sideburns were accented by gauge-pierced ears, horn-rimmed glasses, and in lieu of the traditional trucker hat, our new neighbor wore a Detroit Tigers ball cap. Hold on kids... this one is going to be a wild ride.

Silence. Not a word. They both just sat there, staring blankly at each other, expressionless... as though their favorite free trade coffee company had gone corporate on the S&P 500. It was spooky. The kind of spooky that only Rod Serling could create. The highlight of our night’s people watching seemed to be over, because Honeydew and Beaker weren’t providing any more entertainment eating chips and salsa than a pair of mice nibbling cheese. Was it a first date? Perhaps a blind date? There appeared to be intimacy issues, to say the least. Candace and I finished our food and drink and conversation without any further interruption

As our waitress collected our bill and payment, I turned to our neighbors and told them how much we appreciated sharing space with them, and how pleasant they were as our dining companions. “Plus,” I said, referring to Beaker’s ball cap, “you guys are Tigers fans.” Historically speaking, the only greater sleeping tiger ever awakened was done so on an Infamous Day back in 1941. Nuclear detonators hold back less energy than what was now unleashed.

Honeydew exploded with joyful exuberance, nearly knocking the chips and salsa into the next dining room. “YOU GUYS ARE TIGERS FANS?!?!?! NOOOO WAAAAAYYYYYY!!!!!!”

My single friendly comment sparked a firestorm of conversation and knuckle-bumping around the table that is most often reserved for when your team wins the pennant, or in the Pacific Northwest, you successfully navigate your smart car out of a 2-inch snow drift. Candace once again was staring wide-eyed at the occupants of the table immediately to her left, but this time, the corners of her mouth were turned upwards in an astonished smile as her jaw hung wide and agape. Getting caught up in this new level of excitement, I announced that I was
born in Detroit, which was received with even greater enthusiasm and a double round of knuckle-bumping. The volume continued to escalate as Honeydew excitedly shared her love for baseball, the Tigers, the city of Detroit, and eventually, her astonishment for how we knew they were Tigers fans. She was overwhelmed with the mystical ability I must have conjured from within my deep and powerful spirit to sense the presence of other like-minded individuals. “TELL ME HOW YOU KNEW WE WERE TIGERS FANS TOO?!?!” she demanded.

I quickly surmised that a sarcastic remark or a deceptive jest would have the power to hurt these two. I saw them, then, through different eyes... They were gregarious to be loved and accepted, and in community with someone other than themselves, and were seeking fellowship and unity and koinonia. To mess with them, even for an innocent laugh, might place a stumbling block before them. Who was I to shut them down and invite a tit-for-tat retaliation that might bring further woes to our already sordid evening? “Uh, actually, I just guessed because of your hat,” I said, pointing now to the big embroidered D on Beaker’s forehead. “That’s how I knew you were Tigers fans.”

Nothing in my 44 years of walking this earth could have prepared me for what came next. Nothing.

A light of recognition and understanding lit within Honeydew’s eyes as she spoke.
“IF YOU THINK THAT’S SOMETHING...”
And with all the power of David Copperfield, she drew our eyes like a great conjurer to follow her hands, which moved as lightning to raise her shirt and expose her more than ample bosom.
“...TAKE A LOOK AT THIS!!!”

Plastered to the side of her right breast, in 360-point, Detroit Tigers Old English font was the famous “Big D.” Time stood still. The restaurant went silent. Eyes as big as pie-plates, Candace and I stared in shock at the wares displayed before us, unable to speak, move, or react. I finally broke free of the spell and offered up a weak
“woo hoo!!! detroit!!!” before the last round of knuckle-bumping commenced. Candace and I offered a couple more for good measure, and to keep Honeydew’s hands busy from committing any other surprise pronouncements.

During the next few minutes, we were submerged in a stream of words as the story of her inking unfolded. Frankly, I do not remember a word of it. I was in a state of semi-shock. Candace and I gently extricated ourselves from the conversation before we were invited into a deeper level of intimacy, and walked briskly to the front door. As soon as we crossed the threshold and were on the sidewalk, we both exploded with laughter. I have not laughed that hard in a very long time. We laughed all the way to the car, and during the 15-minute car ride home as well. We laughed for probably an additional 30 minutes.

Seattle is home to humanity, in all its beauty and all of its brokeness. And even though we are 2346 miles away from Comerica Park, we are never really that far away from The Big D.

Sunday, January 15, 2012

If You Think THAT'S Something... (Part 1)

File-Margarita
stream together.

Thursday night.  May 5, 2011.  Cinco de Mayo.  

After I finally found a parking space in the Greenlake community (it is easier to find a Republican in this liberal community than it is to find a parking space), I found my bride close to the front of the long line of party revelers entering our favorite local watering hole.  The music was loud, the margaritas were obviously being poured in record numbers by the mood of the cliental, and the smell of the food rolled out into the street in front of the shop.  This place was anything but quiet.

We decided to go in and people watch.  I had a couple beers with the nachos, Candace had a natural margarita, and we both got an eyeful that evening, in the people watching department.  The fun began in the last category the moment we first sat down.  Immediately to my right was a trio of celebrants who had, by all visible account, gotten an early start on the evening.  One guy and two ladies swapped conversational anecdotes laden with profanities, obscenities, and an occasional blasphemy thrown in for good measure.  I just looked across the table at Candace and smiled at our “good fortune”.  She wasn’t looking at me, however.  Her attention was captured by the behavior of our three neighbors, all of whom were about our age. 

While the man and his (quite obvious) um... partner were all over each other, the third wheel friend shouted across the small cocktail table to her love-struck and intoxicated partners in crime (alright, their behavior was not criminal, but it certainly would have garnered them a ticket if done in a public park).  The entire time they sat talking, the language was loud, crude, and interrupted only by outbreaks of physical passion, or possibly, inebriated flirtation.  As the drinks continued to arrive, so, too, did the eventual restroom break.  As the feminine half of the power-passion Wonder Twins excused herself from the table with one last tonsillectomy of her be-lusted, Candace stared with eyes wide and mouth agape.

It gets better.

Wonder Twin #2 isn’t gone from the table more than thirty seconds before Third Wheel springs into action, and Wonder twin #1 reciprocates.  I think I have done a fine enough job detailing the private actions that were displayed for the public at a table that is just 3 feet away from us, so I will highlight the less carnal behaviors of our neighbors.

When Wonder Twin #2 returned to the table, everything had cooled down at ground zero, but the party was anything but over.  These three made more noise than almost everybody else in the whole place combined.  This is not close to an exaggeration, either, because when they were gone (after stumbling out of their seats, sitting on our table, falling all over each other and us), the whole place was quiet.  No more harpy-cackling or drunken, “Oh yeah, baby!” being shouted every dos minutos.

That whole episode lasted about 25 minutes, by the way.  Maybe 35.  Seemed like a couple days, but it was definitely less than an hour.

But wait.  It gets better.  Stick around for Part 2.

If You Think THAT'S Something...

File-Margarita
This Posting is WAAAYYYYY overdue, but I just had to share it with you all.  Maybe this will be the one that gets me back into writing.

Back in May, Candace called me from work to suggest a quiet date-night for us.  She works next door to a great Mexican restaurant that is known for its nachos and margaritas.  I was a bit skeptical that we would have a “quiet” night, but she insisted that because it was a Thursday night, the neighborhood was relatively quiet.  It would be good to go out and blow off some stream together.

Thursday night.  May 5, 2011.  Cinco de Mayo.  

After I finally found a parking space in the Greenlake community (it is easier to find a Republican in this liberal community than it is to find a parking space), I found my bride close to the front of the long line of party revelers entering our favorite local watering hole.  The music was loud, the margaritas were obviously being poured in record numbers by the mood of the cliental, and the smell of the food rolled out into the street in front of the shop.  This place was anything but quiet.

We decided to go in and people watch.  I had a couple beers with the nachos, Candace had a natural margarita, and we both got an eyeful that evening, in the people watching department.  The fun began in the last category the moment we first sat down.  Immediately to my right was a trio of celebrants who had, by all visible account, gotten an early start on the evening.  One guy and two ladies swapped conversational anecdotes laden with profanities, obscenities, and an occasional blasphemy thrown in for good measure.  I just looked across the table at Candace and smiled at our “good fortune”.  She wasn’t looking at me, however.  Her attention was captured by the behavior of our three neighbors, all of whom were about our age. 

While the man and his (quite obvious) um... partner were all over each other, the third wheel friend shouted across the small cocktail table to her love-struck and intoxicated partners in crime (alright, their behavior was not criminal, but it certainly would have garnered them a ticket if done in a public park).  The entire time they sat talking, the language was loud, crude, and interrupted only by outbreaks of physical passion, or possibly, inebriated flirtation.  As the drinks continued to arrive, so, too, did the eventual restroom break.  As the feminine half of the power-passion Wonder Twins excused herself from the table with one last tonsillectomy of her be-lusted, Candace stared with eyes wide and mouth agape.

It gets better.

Wonder Twin #2 isn’t gone from the table more than thirty seconds before Third Wheel springs into action, and Wonder twin #1 reciprocates.  I think I have done a fine enough job detailing the private actions that were displayed for the public at a table that is just 3 feet away from us, so I will highlight the less carnal behaviors of our neighbors.

When Wonder Twin #2 returned to the table, everything had cooled down at ground zero, but the party was anything but over.  These three made more noise than almost everybody else in the whole place combined.  This is not close to an exaggeration, either, because when they were gone (after stumbling out of their seats, sitting on our table, falling all over each other and us), the whole place was quiet.  No more harpy-cackling or drunken, “Oh yeah, baby!” being shouted every dos minutos.

That whole episode lasted about 25 minutes, by the way.  Maybe 35.  Seemed like a couple days, but it was definitely less than an hour.

But wait.  It gets better.  Stick around for Part 2.

Let's Try This Again...

Reboot #2 in process. We have a snow day, so I get to sit by the fire, sip on coffee and play a little bit.

Here is my January 1 sermon. Quite possibly the most disorganized mental state I have ever had when preaching. I hope it makes sense...
Wise Men & Wise Guys